Process? Ha.

Ashuipda: to deeply, passionately want to have or to do something, but not be able to fulfill that desire.

It’s been 20 days since I’ve returned and as much as I’d love to say that I’ve processed things and have moved on, the truth is that I’m nowhere close.

Instead I find myself at a loss and needing to sort through “the loss of my birth parents, my birth country and culture, home, someone caring for me, family, love, closeness, happiness, sadness, understanding of my beliefs, honor pride. A loss of me, a loss of who I am, a loss of what life has to offer me” (Voices From Another Place). I can’t even begin to think about these losses in a way that doesn’t leave me as a crumpled mess on the floor. So rather than processing, I shut down, or at least attempt to, because the way I see it, there’s nothing else to say that hasn’t been said and nothing left to do that hasn’t been done.

But each morning as I prepare for the day, a sense of dread hits me…dread at having to trudge through another day when all I feel like doing is curling up in a ball and giving up. You’d think that this dread would have relented by now, at least a little, however it’s only become more intense.

The process of cutting back on obligations/commitments and adding in more enjoyable activities has, ironically, exacerbated things. My life should be more organized and calm than it has been in a long time, right? Instead, the nothingness feels like I’ve been thrown into a state of complete disarray.

It’s like being lost in the middle of a cornfield– every direction looks the same and no matter how hard you look, you can’t find your way out; standing still isn’t going to get you any closer to finding your way out, so you walk, directionless, just to get closer to an unknown something. But after all of that walking, you’re still lost and notice that you’re hungrier than ever, emptier than ever; you become weak and begin questioning if you’ll ever find your way out or if you should just sit down and accept the inevitable.

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One thought on “Process? Ha.

  1. The process of processing is a long one. Being patient with yourself is important. I know that you don’t see it this way, but you have courageously taken on so much in the past year. To expect yourself to be “over” this isn’t realistic or compassionate to yourself. You’re doing just what you should be doing. Keep writing blog posts and use them to process your thoughts in small doses, even if you’re just processing how difficult and hopeless it feels to even begin to deal with these issues.

    P.S. If you’re ever in a cornfield, just stick to one row and walk the same direction. Every field, no matter how large, comes to an end eventually. It’s incredibly painful to be on a journey when we don’t know where we are headed or how long it will take to get there. Sometimes all we have is the faith that, eventually, you will look back at this time and see clearly how it was that you came to a welcome destination.

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