“I’m not suppressing my feelings, I’m just having a really hard time blocking them out.”
(eruption of laughter)
“Wait, that wasn’t supposed to come out like that…”
With the month of March quickly approaching, the term March Madness has taken on an entirely different meaning. To say it’s turned me into a bundle of nerves might be an understatement given the insomnia, hives, nausea, and headaches that have overtaken and consumed my day-to-day life. The nausea is the worst, as it interferes with things like work. It’s not easy to tell people ‘I’m okay, really, just try to ignore the sound of my vomiting…’
I’m dreading having to live through the days that have become important life landmarks– the days that mark my entry and exit into/from the United States, and all of the days in between, most of which mark days which should have been “lasts” for at least a couple of years. The juxtaposition between where I was this time last year versus where I am now is a lot to come to terms with; my failures are a lot to come to terms with and most days in March bring me face-to-face with them, leaving me thinking “I should be there.”
In addition, March is the month that I anticipate I’ll hear news about if my birth parents were able to be located and willing to be in contact with me. Every day I wonder about this day– what news I’ll hear, what it will mean, how I will handle what it will mean– and become incredibly anxious.
I just want to know now.
The sooner I know, the sooner I can get over it.
Thankfully, my unconscious has been (a little) more positive…
The other day I had a dream that both of my birth parents had been located, given my letter, and had decided to contact me.
It was one of those dreams where I physically ached to stay asleep and to never return to reality, mainly because I knew that reality couldn’t compare to the feeling I had for those brief, fleeting moments…the feeling where everything felt okay, like life was going to turn out fine after all.
All of this has left me longing, even more, for the day when I can actually experience them and be able to permanently hold onto that okay feeling.
“Dreams are always crushing when they don’t come true. But it’s the simple dreams that are often the most painful because they seem so personal, so reasonable, so attainable. You’re always close enough to touch, but never quite close enough to hold, and it’s enough to break your heart.” –Nicholas Sparks, 3 Weeks With My Brother